A stitch in time: Personal reflections through existential art therapy

by Alex Clermont

My time at KATI has been transformative in ways I could not have foreseen. Through art therapy theory and its practical application, I have learned a new and complex language that has enabled me to further explore and understand my personal experience of being in the world. My intention with this Capstone project was to translate my learning into a creative resource: a book of art and poetry that synthesizes the knowledge I have gained over the course of the program (and my whole life). My personal art practice was the foundation for this research. As artist, researcher and ‘researchee’, I sought to deepen the knowing of my own experience through visual form and self-reflection. I employed arts-based, contemplative inquiry held within an existential worldview. The themes from my personal journey are universal: grief and loss, life and death, finding meaning and purpose. I wanted to show what it means to live existentially, while incorporating a therapeutic art practice that supports resilience and an acceptance of the terms of existence. I landed in existential art therapy when I began to give voice to my struggle with life and death—or, as I often portray them in my art, light and dark. This inherent dualism extended to what I learned were the other 'ultimate concerns of existence': freedom and choice; isolation and connection; meaning/meaninglessness (Yalom, 1980). Through repeated exploration of these themes, I was able to fulfill a few of what I understood to be existential art therapy’s principle directives: to give creative expression to the fear, angst, and lonely pain of existence; to engage in a relational dialogue with myself, my art, and the person facilitating my therapy; and, to take responsibility for making sense of it (Moon, 1995). In the face of meaninglessness, one must choose to create meaning. Through the process of turning toward our deepest, most challenging truths, it is possible to grow to accept the reality of one’s existence. I asked, what does my lived version of existential art therapy look like, and why is it beneficial? I wished to distill the essence of existential philosophy through my own lens of experience. I immersed myself in readings on relevant topics such as grief, death anxiety, and the practice of existential therapy, especially as it related to art. Rather than summarize these concepts academically, I have woven my understanding of theory into poetic responses. I aimed to bridge an extensive background of existential philosophy with a creative personal process. The bibliography lists the books I consulted for this project and could be considered ‘recommended reading’ for anyone interested in pursuing these topics further. My method is rooted in contemplative qualitative inquiry and the premise that art practice is research. Most of the art in this book was made during my three years as a student at KATI (2018-2021),though a few pieces from the past felt important to include. I have created, reflected on, and interpreted most of my art with the support of the teacher/therapist facilitating an experiential training group, workshop or class, all held within the curricular context of the program. A small number of pieces were made during supervision, in sessions with clients, or on my own at home. During this past 'research year',I have revisited my work, drawing lines of cohesion through recurring themes and expanding my understanding of my original interpretations. I explored process and meaning through a practice of poetic free-writing in response to my art, as well as to the literature. These streams of words then underwent careful editing and reworking, to become the poems that accompany the art in this book. I opted out of traditional structure, instead following an intuitive flow of art and writing that tells the story of a life which, like time, is not necessarily linear. I felt inspired by Jane sick (2015), who wrote, “poetry can be used by qualitative researchers to portray the meaning of the literature review, the design, the data and the final story. Poetry is unlimited in its potential” (p.35). I discovered that the art/poetry therapy process generated new knowledge and deeper understanding, which gave rise to more questions and more understanding. This process of self-realization was also a process of research, which lent itself to “the promise of change that [...] takes shape in the things we create, through what we make and experience, or from what we come to see and know through the experience of someone else” (Sullivan, 2010, p.121). It is my hope that by immersing your self in my journey, gentle reader, you may come to see your own path more clearly.